


Shitheads

by orphan_account



Category: Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Alcohol, F/F, M/M, Multi, freddie mercury & billy joel make a cameo but only in a dream, gabe saporta is kinda a ho but hey, sex is mentioned but no smut bc fuck u
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-14
Updated: 2016-09-29
Packaged: 2018-08-08 17:35:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7767028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(This thing is kind of like The Office and Parks and Rec, like the whole 'unexplained documentary'-type feel)</p>
<p>Frank fucked up. He fucked up, majorly. Gerard found out his secret, and now they're taking 'a break.' Everyone knows 'breaks' last forever. Frank is definitely NOT gonna make it out okay. </p>
<p>Patrick is having a little trouble with managing two boyfriends, what with having to bail them out of jail, having to convince the head teacher that no, Mikey and Pete most certainly did NOT start the food fight in the cafeteria (they did), and having to explain to Gerard WHY exactly Mikey made it home at 3 am, and that it did NOT involve sex (it did). </p>
<p>Gerard is angry. Gerard can't believe that Frank would do this to him, he can't believe that he would do something so VILE. All he wanted to do was have a nice date night, but the moment Frank's lips touched the red wine they stole from Frank's mom, he let out his secret. </p>
<p>Mikey and Pete, well, they're having a good time fucking with Patrick.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In Which Gerard is Mad

"...Gerard, I have a secret to tell you."

"What? Frankie, are you okay? What's going on? Are you hurt? Suicidal? What? Frank?" Gerard says, worry adorning his features as he squishes Frank's face so he resembles a blowfish. 

"No, nothing that serious. It's just, Gerard, I lied to you. I'm not team Mystic, I'm team Valor."

"What the fuck, Frank?" Gerard says, letting go of Frank's face, "I thought I trusted you. I need some time to think about this. I'm taking a break. _We_ are taking a break. I'll see you at school," and with that, Gerard fled into the night, leaving a distraught Frank at the picnic. 

"Hello, old friend," Frank says, lifting the bottle of red wine to his lips once again, only managing one sip before he spits it out, chugging water to wash out the taste. 

\---

"How do I feel about the Frank situation? I'm hurt. Betrayed. I can't _believe_ he's team Valor. I tried talking to Mikey about it, you know, talk about my feelings, like he _told_ me to, and then he just tells me to fuck off? What kind of a brother is he? What kind of a boyfriend is Frank? A shit one," Gerard says, pointing at the camera, raising his eyebrows and tilting his head down for emphasis. He swivels in his chair back to his desk, paying attention to the teacher again. 

He swings himself in his chair to face the camera again after a couple of seconds. 

"I take that back. Frankie is an incredible boyfriend. But shitty at choosing Pokemon teams. Jot that down, Lyn-z," he says, turning to Lyn-z. 

"No, fuck off, Gerard, we aren't on Parks and Recreation," Lyn-z says, flicking Gerard's head. 

\---

"What do I think about the Frank situation? I, personally, think Gee is a huge drama-seeking, overreacting, bitchwitch nerd. That's what I think. Gerard, however, thinks it's this _huge_ deal, and thinks he should break up with Frank, and honestly, I think it's ridiculous. He asked me, yesterday, you getting this all on film? He asked me, 'do you think I should break up with Frank?' Like what the fuck? No? I mean, I did block Pete because he told me he was team Instinct, but then I realize, y'know, how am I gonna _sext_ him? So I unblocked him, and yeah. We're good now. We talked it out. Then made sweet, sweet love. In this very bathroom. In that very stall," Mikey points at the stall that has 'Pete + Mikey + Patrick fucked in this stall' written on it in thick red sharpie. 

"That graffiti was Pete's idea. Not mine," Mikey finishes, walking out of the bathroom. 

\---

"Brendon! Hey!" Principal Weekes calls. 

The entire class turns to face the camera, fighting not to groan.

"Hey, Dally-o," this time, the class can't hold back the groan. 

"You all, the day ends early for you. Go home, buh-bye," Mr. Urie says, flapping his hand towards the exit. 

"Um, Mr. Urie?" Agatha calls, raising her hand. 

"What's up, sweater bitch?" Mr. Urie replies. 

"You know it's only first period, right?" She says, "I'm not sure you have the authority to excuse us for th-"

"Agatha, shut up, I want to bunk off for the rest of the day and smoke weed," Jamia says, glaring at Agatha. 

"Bye, class!"

\---

"Dallon Weekes. My boyfriend. Gorgeous, as gorgeous as Ryan Ross, man of my dreams. Both of them used to be the men of my dreams, but then Dallon became a reality. Isn't it great?"

"Don't you know, Ryan has a thing for me? He definitely does. He loves me. I can tell." 

\---

"Brendon Urie? Oh yeah, that guy. The one that's dating the Principal, yeah? I think they both have the hots for me. It's kinda weird, honestly. They both bring me coffee every day, so then I have two coffees, and I get kinda overwhelmed. It isn't a good start to my day, you know, being overwhelmed. Sometimes I give one of my coffees to one of the students. Then I'm not overwhelmed anymore and I can teach my lessons. But if none of the students want one of my coffees, I can't go on. I just- I just leave. Y'know? Because I can't teach lessons with two coffees. I wish they didn't get me coffees. It's a nice gesture, but they could just ask me out, y'know."  

Ryan lifts up one of his coffees, taking a sanitary wipe and wiping down the mouth before taking a sip. 

"Delicious," he says, his face scrunching up as he faces away from the camera, leaning over and spitting the coffee into a trash can. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea how to end chapters so here you go. I might continue this, I might not. You never know. So don't be disappointed if I never update this. 
> 
> i can't believe life has turned out this way ;0
> 
> -Leopold the Third 
> 
> (what my dad would've named me if my mom let him)


	2. In Which Gerard Has A Bad Music Taste According to Frank but Not Me

"So, yeah. Frank and I are back together again. I got over my anger, but there isn't gonna be any sex for at least like... a week."

"Honestly, I'm just glad that Gee will let me touch him again," Frank slings his arm around Gerard, beaming. Gerard makes an expression of distaste, moving Frank's arm off of him. 

\---

"Patty, I love you baby, stop ignoring me, please?" Pete whines, trailing after Patrick, holding Mikey's hand. 

"I told you, I have to bail you out of jail, you don't get Patty priveleges for the rest of the day."

Looking at Pete smugly, Mikey sidles up to Patrick, giving him a huge kiss on the lips and dipping him down. Throwing an arm around Patrick, the two continue onwards, Mikey throwing smirks back at Pete every few seconds.

"Aw, come on, Mikes, why do you have to be that way? Just because you decided to take the high road for _once_ and not spray graffiti on the homophobic church doesn't mean you can act all smug and shit and hog Patty," Pete huffs, quickening his pace to catch up to the two.

"I didn't get arrested, I get Patty priveleges. Oh, oh my god, you're giving me the puppy eyes. Fuck. Fuck, Pete. Fine. Come here, you can like give me a hickey or something, you perv. You know, I hate you, Pete."

Pete grins widely, skipping up to Mikey's side and burying his head into Mikey's neck.

\---

"Oh my god- Gerard. What the fuck are you listening to? Why the hell are you listening to Korean rap? Oh my god."

"What? It's good!" Gerard says, swiveling in his chair, brandishing his pen and sketchbook in a way that clearly represents how good it is. 

"Gerard, what the hell. I thought we agreed, you're not allowed to listen to anything but punk or rock when I'm with you." 

"I didn't know you were coming!"

"Your music taste sucks ass."

Glaring at Frank, Gerard switches the song Moving Out by Billy Joel. 

"Baby if that's moving up, then I'm... movin' out," Gerard circles his finger, ending up pointing at Frank, "move the heck out, baby."

"No, Gerard, I'm not moving, and Billy Joel is shitty."

Gasping Gerard puts his hand to his heart, pretending to faint.

"I can't believe you would insult _my childhood_. Get the heck outta my house, Frank."

"No," Frank says, crossing his arms and tapping his foot.

Gerard starts screaming, looking Frank dead in the eye. 

"Fucking christ, okay Gerard, I'm leaving, I'm leaving."

Smiling, Gerard circles twice in his chair as the song changes to Piano Man. 

\---

**Group Chat : Billy Joel is good fuck you Frank**

**geekles:** take that Frank

 **dadlo:** why the hell am i here i am your principal

 **billyjoelisgoodiagreewithgee:**  fuck you string bean

 **petal:** fuck what is your name mikey

 **billyjoelisgoodiagreewithgee:** fuck what are you pete

 **porno tree:** have buttsex

 **billyjoelisgoodiagreewithgee:** patty,,,,

 **petal:** patty please join

 **porno tree:** fuck you no i'm listening to queen rn

 **billyjoelisgoodiagreewithgee:** :(

 **brie cheese:** why am i here 

 **ryders on the storm:** fuck u brendon 

 **brie cheese:** oh,,, hey,,,,, ryan

 **brie cheese:** haha

 **dadlo:** fucc 

 **brie cheese:** oh my god dallon no

 **brie cheese:** nO WE CAN'T KIDNAP RYAN THAT'S ILLEGAL

\---

"No, honestly, Gerard's music taste is shit. He listens to Billy Joel, and like, vocaloid and K-Pop and shit. And like old music shit. Like, he listens to Jazz too. Some guy named Mile UC Davis. It's gross," Frank shakes his head, strumming his guitar lightly.

\---

"I like Gerard's music taste. It's good. I mean I listen to it too, so of course it's good. Yeah, no, it's hard managing Pete. I mean it's usually really hard to manage me too, but I've been on my best behavior so Patty will get me something _really_ nice for my birthday. Wait, holy shit, gotta go. I have to suck Patty off in the bathroom, I'll be back eventually," Mikey says, waving his phone screen in front of the camera, then taking off.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aND THE WAITRESS IS PRACTICING POLITICS AS THE BUSINESSMEN SLOWLY GET STONED YES THEy'RE SHARING A DRINK THEY CALL LONELINESS BUT IT'S BETTER THAN DRINKING ALONE *rad fuckin piano solo* SING US A SONG YoU'RE THE PIANO MAN
> 
> All of the music Frank was bashing in this chapter is all music i was listening to while writing and i love Billy Joel he was my childhood so if you like any of that music i listen to it too so please dont murder me
> 
> pleas
> 
> i can't believe life has turned out this way ;0
> 
> -Ariana 
> 
> (what my mom was gonna name me but i'm thankful she didn't)


	3. In Which Gabe Is Absolutely Plastered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan is still overwhelmed, Dallon and Brendon encounter Gabe, Frank is done with Gerard, Gerard is mad about the peanuts, Mikey is having a good time, and Patrick is definitely done.

"I got two coffees again today," Ryan says to the camera, sadly holding up two coffees with 'Ryan' scribbled on the side along with a heart.

\---

A piercing scream floats through the hallway, everyone present covering their ears and cringing. 

"FRANKIE! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU!" Gerard's voice is heard soon after.

Everyone sighs, uncovering their ears. 

"Fucking Christ, Gerard, why are you so problematic?" Mikey yells from the other end of the hall, both arms draped over his two boyfriends. 

"You _know_ I'm allergic to peanuts and you get me this shit?" Gerard says forcefully, shaking his head, his ponytail following suit. He waves the box of peanuts around.

"Dude, Gee, you aren't allergic to peanuts. If you were I would _know_ ," Frank says, pinching the bridge of his nose. 

"Oh, yeah, I'm not. I just dreamed I was," he laughs lightly. 

Frank looks into the camera as if he were on the Office. 

\---

"I am actually, like, so done with Gee. This is ridiculous, I don't deserve this, I'm a king," Frank says, pointing to himself while raising his eyebrows. 

"He's such a fuckin' drama queen and it's so tiring! But I love him so I'm willing to suffer. Or maybe I'm just a masochist..." he looks down contemplatively, tapping his chin. 

\---

Pointing at the camera, Mikey mouths along to Don't Stop Me Now, dancing wildly. 

"Don't stop me no-"

"Mikey, what the fuck are you doing?" Patrick says, walking in.

Mikey fumbles for the pause button, slamming his hand down on the CD player several times. 

"Nothing. I'm doing nothing. Why do you ask? Why, am I doing something wrong? Because last time I checked there's nothing wrong about doing nothing."

Patrick just shakes his head, stalking out of the music storage room.

Mikey wipes the sweat off of his brow, sighing.

"That was close," he presses play again, violently air guitaring.

\---

"Mm, Frankie baby, I love you," Gee whispers breathily, nuzzling his head up against Frank's chest. 

"Whaddya want, Gerard?" he scowls, flipping through the Rolling Stone magazine. 

"Hmm, nothing. Just wondering- if I were to buy you a skirt and fishnets, would you wear them?" Gerard smiles, kissing Frank lightly on the tip of the nose. 

"Oh my god, Gee. Maybe. It depends," he turns another page. 

"Good. I love you, Frankie," Gerard smiles even wider closing his eyes and rubbing his head again Frank's chest as he clings onto his shoulders. 

"Dude, what the fuck, this article is interesting, stop being a fucking cat."

\---

"Ayyyye! Dadlong! Breado! How ya doin', guys. The chase after RyRo goin' good for y-" Gabe gets cut off, tripping over his feet and landing with a smack on the linoleum tiles.

"Are you _drunk_ , Gabe?" Dallon asks, his voice sharp and authoritative, his expression stern as he helps Gabe stand. Softening up, he leans in, whispering, "are you? Because if you've been drinking, I'd rather you do it in the presence of an adult that can supervise you and make sure you take in healthy amounts. You weren't drinking alone, were you?"

"Nah, I got _hammered_ with Billy-o Beckett. Then we fucked, in Ms. Gardener's class during lunch. It was good as _hell_. We went at it for like," he holds up 4 fingers, swaying on his feet, "fifty minutes."

"Did you use protection, Gabe?" 

"Y-yeah. Bill had a knife in his boot."

"No, I mean like- condoms. Did you use condoms."

"Yeah, dude. I have some in my pocket, if you wanna fuck Ryro and Breado," Gabe slurs, pulling his condoms out of his pocket and waving them in front of Dallon's face.

Closing his eyes and breathing out heavily, Dallon lowers Gabes hand so the condoms are out of his face. 

"Come on, dude, we're going to the office."

\---

"Brendon just came in and gave me three flavored condoms. I don't know what to do," an extremely stressed Ryan says, his head bowed towards his knees and his fingers in his hair.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really have 0 idea what this is but it's good so if you dont like it McFuck you 
> 
> i can't believe life turned out this way ;0
> 
> -Sylvia 
> 
> (what i really wanted to be named when i was in third grade)


	4. In Which Dallon is Ready for Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gabe keeps making sexual advances and Dallon is Not Amused

"Oh-oh my god, Gabe, please stop trying to make out with me, that's disgusting. Even if I weren't your teacher, I wouldn't fuck you."

Dallon is holding his arm out, his hand on Gabe's forehead, stopping him from making any sexual advances. 

\---

"So... tight... fuck," Gerard groans loudly.

"Ugh!" Frank yells, throwing his head back and moaning. 

"These jeans won't fucking get _on_! Why the fuck are they so tight?" Gerard groans again.

"I fucking hate flappy bird! I am actually gonna die. Like, I'll chug a cup of lighter fluid, or some shit," Frank flops back onto Gerard's bed, tossing his phone to the side. 

"Man, just quit."

"My mom didn't raise a quitter."

"Well, if I just," Gerard grunts as he finally slides the jeans over his ass, "'accidentally' delete your app, then it isn't quitting, is it?"

Frank shrugs his shoulders, "I'm down with that," 

\---

"Gabe has been making sexual advances for the past hour," Dallon says, looking miserably at the camera as Gabe, who is hanging on Dallon's arm, licks a stripe up Dallon's cheek. 

"Please save me," he whispers, almost inaudibly, the camera zooming in on his face as a single tear rolls down his cheek, Gabe quickly licking the tear off. 

\---

The camera pans across an empty classroom, writing on the board displaying the homework for tomorrow. There are grunts and moans coming from the storage room. 

"OH! Oh my god, Mikey, yes."

\---

**Group Chat: the gud succ™**

**milk:** i just gave patty the gud succ™

 **pank:** mikey no 

 **petar:** mikey yes

 **pank:** you're supposed to love me pete

 **petar:** i do ,,,,,

 **milk:** #dramainthepeterickfandom

 **ged:** mikey

 **milk:** yes

 **ged:** shut the mcfuck up

 **dallong:** gabe is violating me

 **dallong:** i crave McDeath

 **bran:** good 

 **dallong:** u r supposed 2 be my bOYFRIEND

 **bran:** i like ryan better than u

 **dallong:** good bc i do 2

 **rain:** woah ok calm down there buddo pals

 **gabby:** dNO my sOT op 

 **dallong:** go 2 bed gabe

 **gabby:** hahssdahs wheraes willygo

 **william:** gabe no

 **gabby:** hey prot e and mi;k do u guyas whannna hav ea 2som 

 **milk:** that's just sex lmao

 **gabby:** 333soMe*8*****

 **milk:** k hmu

 **ged:** mIKEY NO

 **milk:** i do what i want ass

 **it's almost halloween:** ASSASSASASASSASSSASASASSASS

 **ged:** fRANK IT IS NOT ALMOST HALLOWEEN

 **it's almost halloween:** ,,,,,,, gedo my son

 **dallong:** gABE NO DONT GIVE ME S HICKUEY GE T OFF

\---

"Gabe oh my god did you just fucking come?" Dallon looks down at Gabe's pants, visibly appalled.

"Mmmmmhm baby, gotta get some action in before the threesome," Gabe winks, snapping his tongue before slithering out of the office. 

\---

Pete and Gabe arrive at Mikey's house at the same time, both giggling at something or the other. 

Opening the door, Mikey peeks out, raising his eyebrows and grinning devilishly. 

"Well hello there boys."

\---

**Group Chat: I cRAve dEath**

**it's almost halloween:** I HATE FLAPPY BIRD 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao hi kiddos™
> 
> okn so right i have scholol so im probably gonna update only on weekesneds (™)
> 
> aLSO i got a dallon is better shirt and i love it sm my actual chILD and my dad is making pizza rn which is Pretty. Good. 
> 
> ok im sorry about that but tbh Pretty. Odd. is my actual sexuality like
> 
> o k bye
> 
> i can't believe life has turned out this way ;0
> 
> -bread mall
> 
> (the name of my parasect on pokemon go)


	5. In Which Gerard Really Likes Parks and Rec

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gerard really likes parks and rec (or he really doesn't want to hear his brother have sex with his boyfriends)

"That was some good shit threesome," Pete says, waggling his eyebrows at Mikey as Gabe leaves the room.

Patrick stands in the corner, repeatedly banging his head against the wall and darkly muttering something about his 'stupid fucking boyfriends and stupid fucking Gabe.'

\---

"Son," Donna says, looking concerned for Gerard, "you have been watching Parks and Recreation for ten hours straight."

Gerard mumbles something, and while Donna hears him, she has not the foggiest clue what he just said. 

"Speak up, Gee," she says, exasperated.

She is met with nothing but silence. 

Fed up, Donna pulls of her slipper and smacks Gerard on the back of the head.

"What the fuck!" he yells, falling off of the couch, destroying his comfortable cocoon, and falling out of his stupor. 

"Gerard! Why the hell have you been watching Parks and Recreation for ten hours straight!"

"Mom! You didn't have to do that!" he shouts in return, rubbing the back of his head (trying to gain the pity of his mom- it didn't hurt.)

"Why have you been watching Parks and Rec for ten hours! Answer me!" she places her left hand on her hip, raising her right hand threateningly, the deadly slipper still clenched in her fist. 

"Because Mikey and Pete and Patrick have been fucking for like, ten hours. And I like Parks and Rec," Gerard pouts at his mom.

"Fuck, Gerard, Pete and Patrick are here? Why didn't Mikey let me know? I would've made them pancakes."

"You can still make them pancakes- I'm pretty sure they're gonna be fucking for at least three more hours. Honestly, how much stamina do they fucking have?" Gerard shakes his head, picking up all of his blankets and settling back into the couch to finish the first season (again, he's already watched it three times.) 

\---

 

**Group Chat: prote and milk and partic need to stoP FUCKN**

**frankenstein:** hey u guys so g has been watching parks and rec for 10 hours bc prote and partic and milk have ben fckn for ten hours

 **royal guard:** funck how do they evn go at it for this long??? arent they exhausted/??? rest,, 

 **partic:** we're done now,, sheesh, don;t eb fuckngi rood, bdtich,

 **royal guard:** can i finally go up to my room now or are you guys just gonna start again

 **milk:** we r done, , do not Worry, 

 **royal guard:** fuck i can sleep 

 **dalloween:** hey guys im concerned is it even physically possible for that to happen,,

 **tit:** tits

 **ryaaaaah:** you're gay, brendon

 **tit:** gay for yOU 

 **prote:** i feel disturbed,,, mr. ross is my mATH teacher

 **ryaaaaah:** im sorry 

 **prote:** for what

 **ryaaaaah:** math

 **prote:** it's ok u don't assign homework

 **royal guard:** really????? u dont assign homeworK??????? dalloween can u change me to his clas???s?? please??????????????????

 **dalloween:** funck

 **ryaaaaah:** henck

\---

Ryan looks at his desk, forlornly sweeping all of the coffee cups off of his desk. 

He turns around to the camera, a tear rolling down his cheek. 

"I don't assign homework because I can never find it underneath all of the cups," he whispers.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has been sO LOVNG what the mcDICK 
> 
> but anyways yeah i got tired of violently refreshing the mikey way/pete wentz tag on ao3 so i decided to update this little shit (it's been so long) 
> 
> but anyways im doing pretty well in school and life has been chill and im writing a fic called The Cheese Drawer which sounds like smut and/or a crack fic but it's actually not and it's pretty good and i like it 
> 
> i can't believe life has turned out this way ;0 
> 
> -frankie
> 
> (im gonna be teaching old people french at a senior center so im gonna get them to call me this idk why it's like Name Trial Time (tm)


End file.
